the texts i never sent#50

I hope our stories don’t turn into discarded memories.

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Not trusting the universe again

They told me that sometimes when things are out of your hands you don’t have a choice but to pray that the universe is on your side. I did, I prayed, I waited but after all that I saw you with him laughing at his jokes, grinning at him like the world revolves around him and I realized, I have lost the best part of my life and the universe just sat there watching it all come down crashing.

here it is

you wanna know what my problem is
you want to know
my problem is that I worry about things that haven’t happened yet
forget about the things that are happening or the things that have happened… oh wait I also worry about things that
no that was not the point
and I don’t think I’m the only one who has that problem
my point is I worry about things that are yet to happen
like the people I will meet
the ones I will disappoint
not what is happening
which if you consider it
I should be worrying about that or not worry at all
oh who am I kidding
I will still worry I just have to pick which one to worry about and it can’t be the past since I’m pretty sure that boat sailed along time ago
oh I know what the problem is… I have been opening up too much
maybe I shouldn’t be doing that
yeah that sounds like a swell idea
oh God did I just say swell?
what’s wrong with me?
I have no idea ok
stop asking me things I don’t know
oh you are right
that does make me sound like a crazy person
oh hey a butterfly

PS: that’s what it’s like to be in my head

PSS: I think I was high on sleep when I wrote this. I’m not sure but I remember sounding like a drunk person when I was reading it… it was almost one in the morning

the who

Sometimes I forget who I am
Other times, I have no idea who I am
I am that guy who is antisocial on some days and out going on others
And very much an introvert every other time
But on good days, I know exactly who I am…

the experiment

Her: Just be yourself

Me: I’m being myself

We look around and notice that everyone is looking at me strangely

Her: Let’s try your other personalities

I try that and…

Her: oh God, I think we found a winner, they love you…

Keeps that going for a few minute and starts getting uncomfortable

Me: I don’t like feeling out of place in my own skin, if you are not comfortable with who I am… that’s kind of your problem not mine

Goes back to being myself…people go back to looking at me strangely

And I pull on my headphones and crank up the volume to Kat Dahlia’s Voices in my head and get lost in my own world

Rejection

I can handle people rejecting me way better than people actually taking a chance with me
Oh I have absolutely no idea how to deal with people loving me
I haven’t had that kind of structure in my life
That’s why I always sabotage myself
Making sure things don’t go far or nowhere
Sometimes finding lame excuses like “I’m gonna screw it up, like always”
Like she is not really interested in me, she’s just being nice
Other times I will just let things run there course and not bother with moving things ahead
Like…
I will be getting along fine with someone and having a good time but at the end I won’t even ask to see her again or even ask for her number…
Or text her after
Believing that if I don’t say anything she won’t bother with me
The truth is…
I’m scared of being happy… with someone else
What if they leave?
I know that is not something to worry about
But with all the crap I have been through
I don’t think I can ever get back from a blow like that
I guess I’m so used to rejection that I’m comfortable with it
Rejection is my comfort zone