crying sucks, big time

I hate crying. Every time I do I get this crazy headache that feels like my head is about to burst open. I didn’t say I don’t cry. I do. Sometimes randomly just because of… I remember when I was a kid life was bleak. I go to bed at night and tears roll down unprovoked. That used to be funny sometimes. I have a headache right now. I just feel that the last memory should not be that. It’s been almost one year and five months and I still can’t read stories about people grieving without tearing up. I’m chuckling right now. It hurts so badly. You know the song I’m listening to says “Someday we’ll be all that we need”. And then I have these moments where I doubt that. I say, someday when I’m older I will still be tearing up that you are not here anymore.


I have been thinking about the future. I never care much about it but I was just wondering. Random people have been asking me about it. You know the usual about having kids and what not. I tell them the truth. I can’t see what happens in my life. Will I have kids? I don’t know. Do I want to? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just supposed to live my life the way I have always done. Without the influence of society. In my society, we are supposed to live in a straight line and do what is expected of you. Marry at the right age. Have kids. Pray. Take care of your parents as they get older. Be what you are meant to be. But I have never been good at that. I don’t know how to follow a straight line. I get tired when I interact with people. I love being alone. I want a new tattoo. Grow my hair long. Does my society like that? Not one bit. But that’s not my problem. They can do and say what they want but expectations have never been in my mind. I have been disappointed a lot by the people who were supposed to raise me. I don’t care much what they think about me.

So lately, I have been wondering about the future and what happens to it if I keep going my own way. I know I will be happy because I never had to put my happiness on anyone else or depended on anyone else making me happy. If they do, I take it with open hands and return the gesture. And if they don’t I always make a point of walking away. I don’t know about what will happen to the future because I don’t know how I feel about most things that society expects. If something makes me happy and content I always follow through. Will having kids make me happy? I don’t know. Does my close family having kids make me happy? Yes it does. What I know is that what the future is a place I haven’t yet gotten to yet. I’m old enough to know what I want and right now, I just want what makes me happy. And I know I will always want that.

Lately, I have been too detached from everything. Plus I have never liked people anyway. Like it has been said before, HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE.

sorry that i left

sorry that I have been sad lately. sorry that I can’t tell you what’s going on with me either. sorry that every time I tried to pull myself out I got sucked in deeper. sorry that all I want to do is crawl back into my mind.

for now

I miss having someone to tell things. Like when I find a really cool song with likewise amazing video. It used to be reflex before but now I just swim in the moment and shelf it away in the back of my mind. And being very aware of the fact that that memory stays there and it’s a moment gone to share with anyone. That exciting feeling now stuck in the air.

That’s what I miss the most.

The weird thing is it doesn’t bother me as much it used to before. These days I just shrug things off and move on. You know like Gertrude Stein said in Sacred Emily “A rose is a rose is a rose”… in short it is what it what is, you know things are what they are and I can’t change the moment. All I’m doing is learning to live with it even when a little part of me is worried that I might be a bit too comfortable with that feeling.

It’s still good that it’s the one thing I miss the most.

I will hang to that for now.

All I know is I love Euphoria

If you haven’t listened to Tamara Weber’s Let Me Be, I think you should. I’m saying you should because I have no idea what kinda music you listen to. Thou I don’t think you should be listening to this drunken guy’s opinion. Worse is; I barely listen to my own opinion when I’m sober. But I swear, if you love music as much as I do, you are gonna be grateful when you get to end… I did. I played it back a couple of times for the hundredth time. Just remembered that the last time I posted I was out of sorts. Now I’m… drunk and at peace with almost everything. Still don’t have anyone to spend my days with but I’m over that thou I’m still broke… worse than last time actually. My friend spotted me a few bucks to keep me going. That kind of adds a few more days to guarantee some food on my table (I’m lying, I don’t have a table). I think you should listen to JP Cooper and Astrid S… maybe you could sing it with me.

“I never so it coming, when you caught me, way off guard I almost crashed my car that melody you wrote I’m falling for somebody I don’t know”

I’m writing while scanning/ reading ‘you should date a girl who reads’. I’m just reading the part that says “let her know what you really think of Murakami”… here is what I think of Murakami. Besides the part where he is my favourite author or that I have read Norwegian Wood four times. He is an eye-opener. He waves his tales to keep you hooked, confused, frustrated and utterly pissed off at the main character. To me, they are a cross between hippies and normal 70’s characters. Really mesmerizing, and filled with death. Wait no one dies in the short stories book, oh crap I forgot the name plus I’m pretty sure I won’t remember it in my current state since I don’t have the book anymore.

Every time I remember reading a book more than once it reminds me of the movie About Time, when Tim’s says “For me, its books, books, books, I have read everything a man could wish to, twice, Dickens’ three times.” Oh, I had to pause Joy Oladokun’s Blink Twice, to re-watch that scene. Margot Robbie is so hot.

I’m planning to watch The Rise of Skywalker. Saw it at the cinema last Dec but I feel like I need a refresher. I have forgotten most of the story like including the last fight. Yes, I know she dies saving her son. I doubt I can forget that part.

Also, check out Don Toliver’s Euphoria feat Travis Scoot & Kaash Paige. From the album Heaven or Hell… you might as well listen to the album. You might like it or hate it but hey how else are you to figure out whether you like something or not. All I know is I love Euphoria.

out of sorts

It hit me again today. I honestly don’t have any problems. I don’t have a job or anyone to spend my days with but still I don’t have any problems. I was out of sorts most of today. I just stared blankly at things. Do you think not having a job is a problem? Or is not worrying about that a problem? I left my last job end of last year and been jobless since then and it barely fazed me. I’m almost broke, by almost I mean I only have a few weeks and won’t be able to afford food or anything for that matter. Not to mention pay my rent. All that and the only thing that bothered me today was that I was out of sorts and more importantly I don’t have liquor to make the blank feeling easier. The thing is I have no idea what to do. I’m stuck in this weird loop. At the moment, I’m sure most of us are. I guess tomorrow has my back for now, till then I will try to figure out why I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of my mind.

let’s talk about what makes my heart beat

Hmm, music is amazing. Ever listened to the song, The Night We Met by Lord Huron? Or maybe know about it? Or Lord Huron? He says “take me back to the night we met.”

“I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself
What the hell I’m supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you”

Okay fine here is a YouTube link.

Well, while I was searching for that link I stumbled into Bob Dylan’s Blowin’ in the Wind. Oh man, I really, really hope you know how music feels like when you are high.

The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind.

I miss writing. I mean missed. I will never stop writing but lately, I have been trying to get back to script writing.

Wait, If You See Her, Say Hello is playing right now. Damn this album was really gold. Oh, if you don’t know that’s another Bob Dylan song. The next song is Hotel California by Eagles.

I’m high. That point between being tipsy and drunk. Do you know how good Hotel California is?

“Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy
And my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway,
I had the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Some dance to remember,
Some dance to forget”

It’s almost one in the morning.

Give me a minute. The best part is here. Oh my god. FUCK THAT’S GOOD. I swear I could just sit here and listen to that part over and over. I have already replayed it 5 times.

I lost track. What was this about again? I want to go dancing. It’s been a week since I was out dancing. I was at a local concert. I even danced on the stage with the artist.

Another Bob Dylan song coming thru. Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. Want to know a secret. I have lost count the number of times I have listened to this jam the past two weeks. Oh, man. You should really listen to One More Cup of Coffee. That violin.
Let’s take a minute of silence and enjoy the beauty in that song.

Told you, music becomes magical when you are high.

“One more cup of coffee for the road”

I need to sleep. I barely slept last night. I was up playing FIFA till 6 in the morning.


Lemme listen to One More Cup of Coffee one more time. It was nice catching up. Adios.

I can’t drink alone

I broke up with someone last night. I’m not sure I should even call it a break up since we were not dating. More like friends with benefits. We got drunk. Her a little bit drunker than me. Then it happened again. I was kinda hoping it won’t. I could have bet all my money on it if it were not to happen. We went out to the balcony after. I listened and she said it won’t happen again. Same as last time. It’s not her fault. Lots of things going on in that mind of hers. Not my fault either. She asked me to look at her a few times. For some reason, I couldn’t do it. It’s not like we are in love. We just loved spending time with each other. We got drunk a lot. Listened to music. Fucked. Smoked. Cooked. Slept in. Then left for work together in the mornings. It was… in part amazing. Until it happened. First time I didn’t think much of it. Things happen. No big deal. But everything changes if it happens again. And again and again. And you start asking yourself if you can change her. But you know you can’t change her. She is stubborn and wants everything how she likes it. She is leaving for school at the start of next year. Leaving the country and all that. No room for love. No room beyond casual friends thing and random kisses. I woke up next to her. In her tiny bed. I think we passed out. Her sister complained we were too loud. We had no idea. We found the text in the morning. She made me breakfast and fixed herself a drink. Locked me out so she could change before we had to leave. I guess I can’t see her naked anymore.


sorry that I can’t stop staring at you. I have tried. Believe me, I have. I have even gotten to a point where I try not to look at you. I saw you again yesterday. Boy, you are so beautiful. You have this distant look in your eyes. Like you can see me but barely register that I’m passing by. Me and my friend have a crush on you. Yeah, the girl with short hair. The dirty blonde one. Yeah, her. We always look forward to seeing you. I wonder about you sometimes. Simple things like what do you do? Or who your friends are? It must be nice to be friends with you and hang out with you. I for one wouldn’t mind seeing you every day. We’ve thought about saying hi. We are just not sure whether you like people. You are always wearing earphones. Mind if I ask what you are listening to? Oh yeah, last time you saw me I was wearing earphone too. I was listening to Señorita. Funny that I remember the song I was listening to. Oh, how am I doing? I’m okay. I think I am. I’ve been having trouble interacting with people. My mind is… I’m thinking of getting a new tat. Which means I’m sad. I don’t know what I’m sad about thou. I guess its been one of those days and weeks that feel like everything is too much. Oh yeah, this is not about me. I don’t know if I will ever say hi or see you again but for now, it’s nice to see you. It always is.

in love & life

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A. Heinlein

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” – Garrison Keillor

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.” – John Green

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” – Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer” – Douglas Adam

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?”
“You called her a liar?”
“You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?”
“Have a biscuit, Potter.” – J.K. Rowling

“Never memorize something that you can look up.” – Albert Einstein

“Some people have lives; some people have music.” – John Green