I’m a lot of things. I say a lot of things that are dumb and sometimes just plain stupid. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that I have a good heart. That’s all I could ever ask for. Most of the time anyway but the rest of the time I ask for someone I can share my life with. I don’t remember telling this to anyone but when I was a kid I used to cry myself to sleep. I always felt and knew that the worse thing in life is not having someone to share it with. Then I was supposed to share my life with my parents but that never panned out as it was meant to be. Or maybe it worked out exactly how it was meant to be. It’s true, I have done a lot of shitty things as a kid except no one can hold that against me. I was alone for fuck sake. (chuckles). Yeah, you heard me right, the worst thing in life is not having someone to share it with.
To my friends and everyone that has known me the 30-or-so-years I have been around, I’m Issa. Strange peculiar Issa. Always in his own world. Truth is, I think my childhood gave me an unfair advantage. Most people are walking around clueless not sure what the want in this life. Unfortunately, some are taught at a young age that we are just travellers and that life happens after we die. Or something like that. I don’t remember exactly. I lost interest when I was 9.
I have started to clear my history. You know like a browser. Sometimes you clear it but you know that the things you have bookmarked will stay with you as long as you want them to. The one I cleared is my past. Growing up that is. I know I know that pain will walk around in me forever but that doesn’t mean I can’t manage it. Don’t get me wrong this is not a new year resolution kinda thing. I don’t do resolutions. Or wait for the perfect time to make a change. If I don’t like something I just swipe left and move on with my life. The thing is, this is the first time I have seen the empty glances I get from my old hometown. It’s not home anymore. There was a time it used to be. Comfortable even. Just not anymore. Now it just looks like a stranger. As someone, I used to know and we lost touch and drifted. Do I care about it and the people in it? Maybe. I don’t know but when I left the other day I never saw myself going back. Going thru the town to somewhere else maybe.
Why do I need to clear my history you ask? Well, it’s human nature to ask why. Just the other day, my ex asked me if I’m okay and honestly I told her the truth. That I’m not okay. I’m a little sad. Just a little thou. It is very healthy. Hits me up in the evening like clockwork. I wake up fine and the day goes by like normal but when the end of the day gets here, it’s like a switch is turned off and I just get sad. I haven’t had time to think about it since all I have been doing is drinking it away. Except for today, I guess. Might explain why I’m on the comp writing my sorrows away. I have a beer in the fridge. I just don’t feel like getting up or… it’s 22:22 right now. Ed Sheeran’s Perfect is just fading away for the tenth time. Don’t worry it’s on repeat.
I know I shouldn’t be texted an ex. I missed her.
I went out today (in the evening) to look for a bookshelf. That’s the one thing I want right now. I know it’s weird but my books need a home. They feel out of place right now. I have looked up a few ideas and I found one I like. Now all I need is to find someone to design it. I have convinced myself that I can afford to pay for it. And no bookshelf is not a metaphor for anything. Honest to whatever god you believe, it is not.
I know I can’t brush away my past and all my bad decisions, but I can clear out the logs I don’t need anymore for when I find that someone. I’m not looking. I’m enjoying my life and sadness for now till she gets here. I hope she likes Perfect or at least Noah Kahan’s Please. Because like Noah says it, ‘I need someone to wake me up’. And ‘I am getting homesick for a place I have never known’. “So please give me something for the pain, ‘cause my heart softens to your name” I’m tempted to write the rest of the lyrics just to show how beautiful this song is. I would say you should listen to it but I stopped suggesting music to people.
I smoked weed last night and for once it didn’t make me feel dizzy. I bought a painting. Found my fourth and fifth tattoo ideas. And I have finally decided that I want to settle down and have kids someday. Maybe get married if I have to. Only because I want to. I am at an age where I do things I want to and it is the best feeling ever, other than the part where I’m sad.
Yeah, I know that love is a very big deal kinda thing. A huge deal actually. Maybe I should sleep. I have to wake up early for work.