for me

I’m a lot of things. I say a lot of things that are dumb and sometimes just plain stupid. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that I have a good heart. That’s all I could ever ask for. Most of the time anyway but the rest of the time I ask for someone I can share my life with. I don’t remember telling this to anyone but when I was a kid I used to cry myself to sleep. I always felt and knew that the worse thing in life is not having someone to share it with. Then I was supposed to share my life with my parents but that never panned out as it was meant to be. Or maybe it worked out exactly how it was meant to be. It’s true, I have done a lot of shitty things as a kid except no one can hold that against me. I was alone for fuck sake. (chuckles). Yeah, you heard me right, the worst thing in life is not having someone to share it with.

To my friends and everyone that has known me the 30-or-so-years I have been around, I’m Issa. Strange peculiar Issa. Always in his own world. Truth is, I think my childhood gave me an unfair advantage. Most people are walking around clueless not sure what the want in this life. Unfortunately, some are taught at a young age that we are just travellers and that life happens after we die. Or something like that. I don’t remember exactly. I lost interest when I was 9.

I have started to clear my history. You know like a browser. Sometimes you clear it but you know that the things you have bookmarked will stay with you as long as you want them to. The one I cleared is my past. Growing up that is. I know I know that pain will walk around in me forever but that doesn’t mean I can’t manage it. Don’t get me wrong this is not a new year resolution kinda thing. I don’t do resolutions. Or wait for the perfect time to make a change. If I don’t like something I just swipe left and move on with my life. The thing is, this is the first time I have seen the empty glances I get from my old hometown. It’s not home anymore. There was a time it used to be. Comfortable even. Just not anymore. Now it just looks like a stranger. As someone, I used to know and we lost touch and drifted. Do I care about it and the people in it? Maybe. I don’t know but when I left the other day I never saw myself going back. Going thru the town to somewhere else maybe.

Why do I need to clear my history you ask? Well, it’s human nature to ask why. Just the other day, my ex asked me if I’m okay and honestly I told her the truth. That I’m not okay. I’m a little sad. Just a little thou. It is very healthy. Hits me up in the evening like clockwork. I wake up fine and the day goes by like normal but when the end of the day gets here, it’s like a switch is turned off and I just get sad. I haven’t had time to think about it since all I have been doing is drinking it away. Except for today, I guess. Might explain why I’m on the comp writing my sorrows away. I have a beer in the fridge. I just don’t feel like getting up or… it’s 22:22 right now. Ed Sheeran’s Perfect is just fading away for the tenth time. Don’t worry it’s on repeat.

I know I shouldn’t be texted an ex. I missed her.

I went out today (in the evening) to look for a bookshelf. That’s the one thing I want right now. I know it’s weird but my books need a home. They feel out of place right now. I have looked up a few ideas and I found one I like. Now all I need is to find someone to design it. I have convinced myself that I can afford to pay for it. And no bookshelf is not a metaphor for anything. Honest to whatever god you believe, it is not.

I know I can’t brush away my past and all my bad decisions, but I can clear out the logs I don’t need anymore for when I find that someone. I’m not looking. I’m enjoying my life and sadness for now till she gets here. I hope she likes Perfect or at least Noah Kahan’s Please. Because like Noah says it, ‘I need someone to wake me up’. And ‘I am getting homesick for a place I have never known’. “So please give me something for the pain, ‘cause my heart softens to your name” I’m tempted to write the rest of the lyrics just to show how beautiful this song is. I would say you should listen to it but I stopped suggesting music to people.

I smoked weed last night and for once it didn’t make me feel dizzy. I bought a painting. Found my fourth and fifth tattoo ideas. And I have finally decided that I want to settle down and have kids someday. Maybe get married if I have to. Only because I want to. I am at an age where I do things I want to and it is the best feeling ever, other than the part where I’m sad.

Yeah, I know that love is a very big deal kinda thing. A huge deal actually. Maybe I should sleep. I have to wake up early for work.

Coffee With Fay: Issa In Words — Suckerforcoffe

Today I have the pleasure to have Issa on my blog. A wonderful writer whose words are so relatable. Read ahead to see his answers. 1. Tell me a little bit about yourself. I’m Issa. I only have one name. I can say I was a foster kids, which for some of us means growing……

via Coffee With Fay: Issa In Words — Suckerforcoffe

Shit stinks

I have done a lot of shitty things.
“I’m not like anyone else” is a really shit line.
So is “I’m different”… Same shit just different context.
Maybe I’m sitting around with a broken heart that doesn’t know how to heal
Maybe I’m just not in anyway fit to interact with humans
I like dogs thou
Reminds me of old dude Simba
Simba is this old dog I hanged out with a few days before the end of 2018
Really old
I could see his age in his eyes
Awesome fella thou
I had just met him but he still drifted to me when I called
I remember hearing or reading somewhere that dogs and little kids are good judge of character
I haven’t been on Twitter for three days now
Have you heard of FINNEAS before?
Awesome artist
I’m listening to Break My Heart Again
One of his fine arts
I’m having coffee and cake
My tattoo is still fresh
Two days now and I’m still in a weird mood
My mind is all over the place
Or maybe you have heard of Lost Kings
No? What music do you listen to?
A cousin of mine loves my playlist because he is pretty sure he will find artists he has never heard off before
It’s true
My love for music makes my playlist unique
Tailored made
As it should be
Don’t worry I have normal songs in here and Swahili music
I love Swahili music
I mean I know Swahili and it impresses me how good this guys are
Oh I was talking about all the shitty things I have done
Truth is, I haven’t done shitty things lately
Because I think I’m a good person
Other than the tattoos
And the drinking
Besides that I’m a fairly good person
The song I’m listening to now is called Baila…
Diamond was trying something with Miri Ben-Ari, a violin artist
He says “Moyo wangu mwepesi kupenda na ngumu kusahau” roughly translates to “my heart falls fast but takes forever to heal”
See, beautiful
I don’t even know how to say that in Swahili
I think I’m gonna listen to this song a few more times and finish my coffee
My first cup of coffee of 2019…

fantasy time…

This one has the best mother in the whole wide world.

One night a few weeks after we met. She got too drunk and I had to drop her off. Called an Uber of course. Where will my broke ass get a car? But the best part was when we got to her mom’s place… she invited me in. Not her you doofus, her mom. And here is the kicker she’s never invited a dude in before other than her girlfriends.

It was a weekday. This happens all the time. To me. I barely go out on weekends and I tend to wake up with hangovers every Thursday morning. Okay fine, I only go out on Wednesdays. But I managed to do something no guy has ever done before. And she wasn’t just feeling bad for me after coming all the way to her home. I mean, duh.

I helped her take her daughter to bed. I didn’t stay all the way. That’s just rude. I know what you are thinking. I could have just gone home with her. But you see, she hadn’t been to my place yet. We had only been dating a few weeks. As a habit, whether it’s bad or not, I’m at a place where I like to connect with someone emotionally before I start wondering how she looks naked. I mean show her some respect. Yes, her boobs look amazing.

After she finished putting her daughter to bed, her mom found me in the kitchen. I had been drinking. I was hungry. And come on, there is always something to eat when moms are home. I think. (Yes I shrugged. Again.)

So I had made a sandwich. I figured, well, she won’t get mad if I didn’t eat the food in the fridge. My aunt taught me how to make a proper sandwich, the kind that fills up the stomach. I really hope I still remember how to make one after this.

She smiled when she walked in on me and I just stared at her frozen half bite… you know just like in the movies.

“I see you made yourself at home”

I smiled and nodded. It’s rude to talk with food in my mouth yo! I was raised well.

“And thanks for bringing her. You must be the guy she’s been rambling about”

Guess what I did. Guess. Guess. Guess. Guess. Guess. Yes, I grinned like the idiot I am. While thinking ‘she talks about me to her mom’.

“Don’t worry she said good things. Lots of good things”

I mean I was surprised. She said goods things about me. I mean, me, like me. Seriously. And then I asked a dumb question. I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t.

“Did she mention that I’m dumb?”

“Yeah, she did”

See why I had to ask. if I say something dumb or do something dumb she won’t be surprised.

So back to why we are here.

She is asked if I would drink with her. She didn’t have a lot of choices. Just wine. But still sharing a drink with someone means a lot. It’s not something you do randomly. Especially not in your house a few minutes after midnight. At that point, I was still drunk… coherent drunk. Drunk enough not to hate wine as much as I did sober.

So there I was, breaking wine (an obvious twist of the more popular analogy, breaking bread) with the girl I was seeing’s mom. I still don’t believe that it actually happened. What are you talking about? This is not fiction. This is a fantasy. Those two are not even related. I checked. I think. What I was drunk? Well, coherent drunk but still drunk.

We talked about things. She didn’t tell me anything her daughter. Just that they talked. That, they are really close. Yeah, I mentioned that it explains why her daughter could come home as wasted as she was.

We stayed up past 3 in the morning. I stopped sipping my wine somewhere at 2 in the morning. I couldn’t taste it anymore. Plus, I needed to be alert enough to keep talking. Her mom was as awesome as her. Like mother like daughter they say. She let me crash on her couch. And told me she would remind her daughter to wake me when she wakes up to go to work in a few hours. I mean, morning got here so fast and the shock on my girl’s face after I told her I stayed to drink with her mom was worth everything.

We did promise we would take her mom out for drinks sometime. Don’t worry I will stick to my whiskey next time. It’s better for everyone.
Okay, Noah Kahan’s Please has just started playing. I gat to go. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Till next time. Adios.

i love

I was in love

Late last year

Someone I barely knew

Saw her only twice the three months we were together

She taught me things about my life

About the people in it

And my heart

She taught me patience

Oh boy did she teach me patience

When I eventually walked away

She was still surprised a few days later

Because in her head, she knew I will let her in again

I have said I love you before her

Way before her

Way before I knew what love was all about

When I only thought you say you love someone because it is what comes next

Like it’s what you are supposed to say

I have always been weird

And a pickpocket as a kid

Not a good one

I love Lukas Graham

That I’m sure off

I have been listening to his latest album 3 (The Purple Album)

It came out in October this year (2018)

I’m not sure if he is famous or famous enough or not

But most people know him by that one song

I miss music

I really do

I haven’t been enjoying it as much as I should be

A lot going on in my head

My heart, not so much

It’s like it just dimmed out

I can feel it beating but that’s it

It’s not as loud as it has always been

It’s like something happened

She was amazing

Someone I had to teach love

Funny, I don’t know much about it but I know how someone should be loved

You should listen to Everything That Isn’t Me…

Boy that song is beautiful

My childhood was toxic

I don’t like talking about it

I see pictures in my head and it just bums me out

Even the beautiful moments

See, love has always been a foreign thing to me

Up until today I still look for people who are not available

I don’t regret falling in love with her

Or with her

But her… she broke me hard

She taught me that when someone loves you back as much as you love them

There is no better feeling than that…

It felt like the universe finally came thru for me

I sure hope it does for you

And I sure hope they stay because I’m not trusting the universe again

I should probably walk away and go watch the girl in the song

yesterday three weeks ago

There are days when I wake up and I am a 100% sure that I want to get married. That I will get married. Not because it’s something I have to do. Not because that’s the next thing logical thing to do but because I want to spend my life with someone. Share it with someone. I don’t know if I will find that someone I’m craving. And I worry about that sometimes. It keeps me up at night. Makes me leave the house Sunday morning to go get coffee like I’m doing right now. This coffee is amazing. I’m thinking of drinking a second cup. But back to the marriage part, my favorite TV series is How I Met Your Mother. Right now, I’m listening to Passenger’s cover of The Rolling Stones song Angie. I mean I love too much. Way too much. And makes me crave someone who loves as much. Because being with someone who is just learning about love is hard. I don’t really want to fix anyone else. I have done enough fixing. I’m 30 and I shouldn’t be fixing people. I should be enjoying life but here I am at 9:52am having coffee at a make shift coffee shop or a bread shop (with really good coffee) sending a long text to a stranger online. I mean, don’t you see how crazy that is. I love love so much. And I love How I Met Your Mother because of Lily and Marshall. I mean you should see how much that Ted fella loves love and all that sappy stuff. I mean, have you watched About Time. That’s my go to movie when I feel like I need to see love. I love that movie coz it feels so real. I mean, it’s a romcom with time travelling in it. How cool is that. I will probably go home and watch it again for the hundredth time. You know, weirdly enough my favorite character in that movie is the Dad. He is so cool and chill and he says things like “Don’t call too often, your mother doesn’t like to be disturbed”. I mean, I should stop here. Thanks for listening.

fantasy time

The day I met her nothing special was happening in my life. I know, I know meeting her was the special thing happening. I mean before she showed up. I woke up like always with nothing in mind or planned for that matter but I have been thinking for weeks then to go watch Mile 22. Just thinking not planning. I’m a big fan of Mark Wahlberg and his don’t-care-attitude-acting style. And here is the kicker, when I saw her I didn’t get bubbled up about it until at the end when I heard her laughing and it just hit me… “I would love to listen to that laugh every day,” I thought.

She is a doctor. She loves dogs. Has a thing for cold things including ice tea. I know right, who in their right mind would have a thing for ice tea. I asked about it and all she said was she doesn’t know… she could have loved coffee but ice tea was there and she became addicted.

In all honesty, I didn’t expect her to say yes or give me the rules when it comes to dating her. I just stared at her and thought out loud… “You realize you are agreeing to date a guy who spends all day or sometimes all week listening to one song. You will be bored.” “Is it a good song?” “The best” “Then I will listen to it all day or all week with you”… we went out for coffee, in which I mean she had ice tea and I spent the whole time trying not to come up with ice tea jokes. I don’t have any.

She told me how dating her is really hard since she spends most of her time at the hospital. “That would drive me crazy” I mumbled to her. She laughed and stared at me for a minute… “What made you talk to me?” “Your laugh” “It’s really loud isn’t it?” “Didn’t notice. I just got lost in it” “You are good with that” “With what?” “Words” “You think” “Yeah, I do”…

She reads. Not just medical journals. “What song?” “Huh?” “You said you spend all day listening to one song” “Oh it’s an old one. Rudimental ft Mahalia – We The Generation” “How long?” “Two days now but I have had a few breaks from it”. She laughed at that and gave me the ‘go on’ look. “A few times I have listened to Kygo – I See You ft Billy Raffoul.Matoma – Not Coming Home ft JRM. Noah Cyrus_Lil Xan – Live or Die and The Gardener & The Tree – Postcards”

She just smiled and went back to staring at me. She is used to dating doctors. That’s more of her style. “I don’t have a style” “I mean my type” “I knew that”. We just sat that completely forgetting about our drinks… I was sure she wouldn’t like the lukewarm ice tea anymore but then she just picked it up and took a sip… I was right she hated it and spat back into the cup. I laughed and sipped my lukewarm coffee.

“Can I listen to We The Generation?”