23:23

23:21
My friend and I have this thing we do where we say that we are gonna die alone. And sometimes I think we are kidding. Other times I don’t know it feels true. We are a mess.
I’m listening to Wrabel – 11 Blocks. I just finished episode 14 of Lethal Weapon. Yeah, the second season. 11 Blocks is a really good song. I have work in the morning. It’s 23:23 now.
I just feel that…something is off. Nothing makes sense anymore. I can’t feel my heart. I know it’s there it just feels hollow. Very hollow actually. It has never felt this empty before.
I haven’t met anyone this week. My friend says I always have someone new I’m talking to. He can’t keep track of everything going on with me. That makes the two of us
“It’s doesn’t feel right when I’m grabbing a coffee. The same old spot but I’m on my own. I feel okay in the day but at nighttime. You know how I get when I’m alone.” told you, 11 Blocks is really good.
*I wrote this last night. I didn’t post it till today…* I need to feel my heart again. Not just the beating. More. I need to feel more. It’s 23:29 now and I think I will stop here.
23:35. I stepped outside to grab a smoke. Weird, that’s also a line from the song. Yes, I did stop there. I danced for a while and then smoked my first cigarette of the year.
It just felt right. I already had my first drink of the year. Here is a hint. It was a Friday night…a shot of tequila. I washed it down with a Red Bull. And later two shots of whiskey.
23:54

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A LOVE POEM

I have read somewhere that it’s never too late to write a love poem

So here goes nothing…

 

Hi love

It’s been a while

Actually a long while

I thought you said you’d come back soon

You know I’m ready for you

And if your plan is to stay away from me

I kind of see your point

I don’t have a good track record with you

I have messed up every chance you gave me

But again you haven’t been kind to me either

Sometimes it feels like it’s your fault that I can’t seem to keep you around for long

I tried

Gave it my best shot

It’s just…it feels way better when you are not around

I’m sorry to say that but it’s true

I feel free when you do not bind me

That doesn’t mean I don’t want another encounter with you

Believe me

I want you so bad

So so bad

swahili

Swahili is beautiful. Legit, so beautiful that some days I just want to listen to Swahili music just so I feel like I’m back home again. I haven’t been home since 2016.

I’ve been listening to Diamond – Sikomi on repeat for the last few hours and it’s giving me an awesome feeling. Like I want to fall in love again. Even though the song is about how he can’t seem to give up on love with his bad luck.

The way he puts those together…damn so good.

“Wanasemaga mapenzi safari
Unavyopita ndo jinsi unajongea
Ila niendako ni mbali sijui ka ntafika sababu natembea
Niliposikiaga Habari
Yakisifika nikakesha nangojea
Akabariki Jalali na nikawika muziki nikauotea…”

thoughts

I started this thing where I put lemon in my water. I haven’t taken a picture this year. I have been sleeping well. I have a crush on someone. I have had a crush on her since last year.
Sometimes I think I don’t go outside as much as I should. I was in love last year. For three months. I still have residue from that love but it’s turning into something else now.
My favorite writer right now is this guy Obit on Tumblr . I like how he jumbles things together. Weaving words to no end to create an imperfect story like I’m trying to do right now. I have six of his pieces pinned on my desk at work and I make a point of reading one every chance I get.
What do you think about living alone? I had a scare last evening. I almost fell from my bed while putting a trouser. And then it hit me; my neighbors don’t anything about me. Not even my name. I need to start introducing myself.
I have been daydreaming a lot lately. I’m currently reading The Soloist by Steve Lopez. A good read. I have watched the movie too. I read for an hour every day. Or more when I find the time.
Someone asked me what I cared about in life since I don’t care that much about money or material things.
I didn’t have to think about it the answer has been there all along…love.
My favorite quote as it turns out is from an Obit piece. “Wear your favorite shirt. Always wear a favorite shirt”

fantasies and me

I have a fantasy in my head. A love so pure that it makes me chuckle every time I think about it. Sounds so unbelievably beautiful. I never thought I could make up such a fantasy. Yes, it’s a fantasy, not a story.

My mind keeps drifting back to it. You should see her smile. The way she looks at me. If I wasn’t already cuckoo I would think I was going crazy.

Like all my fantasies, I was at my favorite coffee shop with music in my head, cappuccino and a book on the table. Someone randomly appeared in front of me. She sits without asking and picks up the book. I stop halfway to my fourth sip in a second. Then nods at the book and says, “May I?” I shrug and next thing I know she gets up with it and heads back to her table, where her friends are and gives the book to one of them.

I go back to my music. Sasha Sloan – Runaway. Before I get far with it my thoughts are interrupted…

“I need this book”

I lower the headphones and look up. That’s when I see the prettiest eyes I have ever seen looking down at me.

“I asked her to come for it, she is the…” she smiles

Oh God, that smile I think to myself then I remember I haven’t said a word yet

“Sorry, I can’t”

She puts the book on the table and turns to walk away but decides otherwise on the last second…

“I will give you my number for it”

I smile and take a deep sigh and…

“Have you read the first three books?”

“Only the first two”

“You will need to read the third one”

“Do you have it?”

I stare at her for a while and she takes a sit…I keep looking at her. She bites her lower lip.

“At home”

“My offer still stands”

“A book for your number”

We stare at each other and then her friend rudely interrupts us.

“Are you giving her the book or what?”

She looked embarrassed for her friend. She took my phone out of my hand and then punched in her number

“A book for my number”

She smiled at me and gave me back my phone and got up to leave with her friend.

I pull my headphones back and hit next Sasha Sloan – Ready Yet as  hit the back of my mind.

I smile, just another fantasy.