speaking about

I don’t know anymore how to explain to people why I’m not talking to them. To be honest I haven’t tried to but still. I should mention that I haven’t been feeling like talking to anyone the last… okay, since mid-March. It’s almost two months since then and I’m still doing everything I can to stay away from people.

Not that I haven’t seen people. I have gone out with my friends for coffee or nights out. Well, once a week or once in two weeks then hide away for a while.

I feel at peace thou. Very serene in my mind and the heart. I have been reading everywhere. Even in my sleep, I dream of reading. Yes, I have been reading in the washroom too. Or should I say toilet?

I can’t seem to stop watching Seeb, Dagny – Drink About video. I’m obsessed. You know that thing where when you are reading a romantic poem or piece you always have someone at the back of your mind. Yeah, that. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t have anyone to think about. This is a first for me. I have officially cleansed my mind completely.

I started cooking. And as a discipline, I can’t buy food anymore. Even when I go out. I did go out for coffee on Tuesday and I came home sometime past 10:30 and I still cooked.

I don’t know when I will get back to talking to people but I guess my mind is waiting to be ready for it.

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Mysic

You know that thing people say about not being able to live without something
I can’t live without music
No, I can’t
I love music so so so so much
That’s the first thing I think about when I wake up
The last thing I hear when I go to sleep
I have laughed listening to music
I have cried
I have smiled
Cursed
Yelled
Danced
Drunk
Smoked
I have closed my eyes and thought about my life…
Past, present and everything to come
The one thing that is constant is music
And my love for it
I’m listening to Runtown’s For Life right now
“I want to love you for life”
That song is so beautiful
I have spent 7hrs of my music time today (Sunday) listening to it or maybe more
That’s a big chunk of my 116hrs and 57 minutes of music time 😃
Every time I have thought of hitting next I keep hearing something that stops me in my tracks
Something whispers to me “this is the moment you need to be in. Everything is hitting the right notes right now. Don’t fuck it up”
I know, it knows I’m good at fucking up things
I started a Sunday tradition today
Me alone with my three favorite things
Music over a cup of coffee and a book
I have had alone times with those guys before just, not on a Sunday…
Now we have a specific day to sit down and get lost
How awesome is that?
It’s 23:23 now
I hope you have something constant in your life.

Here’s a list

I love it when movies end…
Like anything could happen
Like they should continue
God that life is so awesome
Whenever anything goes wrong it will be fixed at the end
Like in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
I wish I had whiskey tonight
It feels like a whiskey night
Honestly lately every night has felt like a whiskey night
I have 116hrs and 57 minutes of music time on my phone
That’s not a lot of music hour
I need more time
I left home without my headphones today
I felt so lost like I didn’t know what to do with my head
Right now The 1975 – Robbers is playing loudly in my head
And I could use a smoke but it’s raining outside
Nah it’s not that late
It’s not even close to late
It’s Saturday night and I woke up today to the news that Avicii is no longer with us
He has left a gap no one can fill…like
Have you listened to You Be Love?
The one Billy did the vocals…
God good, the beat is mesmerizing
Sometimes I just play that song and get lost in it
“…I will be your compass
If you’ll be my north
I will be your sailor
If you’ll be my shore
You can be the gravity
I’ll be the fall
You can be my everything
I’ll be your all”
And the synth comes in… Have I said god good already
Yeah god good
…Thank you for the music Avicii
Thank you for the infinite possibilities

a few shots

I’m high. Yes, I am. I’ve had a shot of tequila and four shots of whiskey so far and I’m listening to Diplo ft Desiigner – Suicidal. It’s blowing loudly in my head that I can’t even hear my own thoughts. What can I say? I’m always listening to music. I have it on repeat on my machine. Oh, I’m still at work but I clocked out a few hours ago.

Like I said I’m high, not drunk. I don’t like being drunk. It never turns out good for me. Unfortunately, that’s where I’m headed.

Want to hear something. My religion doesn’t allow me to drink so no one from my family knows that I drink. And I finally figured out my first tattoo. I’m supposed to go out with my friend and his girl later. I like her. She is fun and awesome. I met her last weekend. I have watched Jhene Aiko’s Bed Peace music video more than 20 times today. Fuck she is so cute. And how Gambino looks at her, oh boy. Funny thing is, I like the clean version more than the explicit one. I’m not sure what that says about me but I love it when the beat takes a break instead of her saying blunt, fuck or wasted. The beat breaks like ‘hey be respectful. Some people like it when you skip the explicit words’. It’s so chill and awesome so Never Call Me (Slauson Hills Edition). I have been reading Haruki Murakami’s Norwegian Wood the last few weeks. I’m almost done. Have you that feeling that you wish the book keeps going on forever? I don’t want to finish it. Not yet anyway. Okay, I have to go top up my drink now. Have a nice weekend whatever you are.

here it is

At first, she was surprised that I remember things

Not just things but things about her

Like that necklace with the trumpet

Like that song, she said she liked when she first put on my headphone

(James Blunt’s Courtney’s Song)

Like that…sigh

Her name

Her dimples

Her keen eyes

I know I shouldn’t but I couldn’t resist

Here it is…

You are smiling, aren’t you?

(Chuckles) I swear it’s like you are always smiling

Like that’s your default setting

Unless… are you thinking what I’m thinking?

No? Oh too bad

And no, you can’t ask me what I’m thinking

 

You should listen to…they will make sense if you watch the video

Snakehips – Cruzin’ (Stay Home Tapes – Act 1) ft. St Rulez

Snakehips – For the F^_^k Of It (Stay Home Tapes – Act 2) ft. Jeremih, Aminé

just a beat

I know it’s still there

I mean… my heart

Just that lately I’ve been feeling like I lost it somewhere in my darkness

Deep down

The places I’m never able to reach

I swear it feels like a dimmed light

And it’s just staring up at me

Mocking me for losing it

I’ve had sleepless nights trying to reach it

I’m afraid that I might not find it again

The part of me that beats for love

The part that gives life a meaning…

 

I’m listening to Michael Kiwanuka’s Cold Little Heart

Yeah it has crossed my mind

But again I’m a hopeless romantic who is incapable of love

How is that for an irony?

a note for you

If you ever find this note
Know that I have left a few others at the places we’ve been to
The coffee shop at the corner of Yesterday
I placed it in the tip jar
The barista smiled at me with sad eyes
I shrugged at her and picked up my to go cup

Remember the bar
We spent that night right beside the washrooms
I put it inside one of those Amstel beer bottles
You loved so much
The bartender offered to keep it as a souvenir
Maybe if you come by he will give to you
Fingers crossed

I remember the river
You laughed so hard that day you begged me to stop
People were staring at you
So was I
I used the paper to make a boat
Maybe the river will bring it to you someday
Sorry that it got smudged…
I couldn’t find a waterproof pen
And you left with your mascara
I could have used that

I found your old crop top under the bed
Sorry I have been too lost to clean up
I was lying on the floor when I noticed it
Smells like you
I miss that smell
I miss you